Mosey Down the Road

I had no choice but to strap my shoes on tight and walk. It was either that or call a cab, and spend money I don’t have on awkward silence and upholstery that smells like you know what stained rags! All set with that smelly cheese fat. Up goes the volume on my headphones as I walk the fine white line home…

Home, they say that is where the heart is. My home is a house of recovery, and man oh man if you could just look in the window and witness what goes on inside…it would change you…pure and simple. There is love: unconditional and completely unselfish. There is giving to total strangers when they first come in and don’t have a dime or piece of bread to their name. There is camaraderie like brothers-in-arms that are coming home after going through a war together. There is truth and honesty that is spoken in house meetings and in-house AA/NA meetings: each individual sharing their pain, suffering and sorrow and turning it into something else. Something beautiful.

But there is also incredibly evil and horrible things that can threaten to bring the whole house down. I saw this happen. I caused it. I witnessed just how powerful the illness of addiction can be as it takes over people and turns them into maniacs, psychotic animals, violent criminals, and the worst part is knowing how good of a person they are when sober. The worst part is watching them fall and not get back up. It is enough to make your heart not want to beat anymore.

The cars rush by, where are they going? I mean really, where are they really going in life? Bunch of ants, I wonder to myself who these people are and what their lives are like compared to mine. Hmpf, if they live with a bunch of drug addicts and alcoholics, piss in a cup a few times a week while a huge puerto rican watches, and sleep on a bunk bed…I doubt many can relate.

It is a good thing that it isn’t about where I am from, or where I live, or how much money I have, or how I look on the outside, or what I drive or my occupation. Sure, to materialistic cold lifeless unforgiving judging no remorse society, I am less than…thank God and his silly sense of humor that all these things do not mean happiness.

To me, being content with what I have no matter how little or big is the ticket. How about the ability to laugh at anger and smile through tears? Maybe even patience when everyone else is flipping out over nothing. It must be tough having to go through life expecting people to do what you want. Since they never will, good luck! I love this one: Love. Not the regular lower case type of love like the love you have for your mother or father or family or friends. NO I am talking about a bigger love…capital L ove

Damn that car almost hit me. What is that on my skin? Rain? Looks like it is going to pour any minute now. Dark clouds float by as I travel one hell of a lonely road. Cars, trucks, trailers of all sizes and makes, from Pinto’s to Porches they all fly by. Sometimes I brace myself and look inside the windshield at the driver or passenger. Some stare at me, our eyes meet for the first and last time ever, and just like that gone.

I am tired of being an ant.

Each step I take in the 10 miles I have to walk, I stamp my name on the pavement. My name is spirit, my name is God, my name is Jesus, my name is you!

Avitya Hridayam Punyam

With a beam of love I touch the heart of my…fill in the blank…

I touch the hearts of all the mothers and fathers who lost a son or daughter to unnatural causes.

I touch the hearts of all the young people who will use drugs and drink for the first time tonight.

I touch the hearts of anyone who lost a loved one to a powder, a drink, a pill, an accident…

I touch the hearts of those people who never felt loved, who want to give up and have no hope, so they shoot dope or sniff a line or take a drink just to cope without tying a noose in a rope and letting go…

I touch the heart of all the sick and suffering souls that don’t have a hand to hold as they walk these streets feeling so alone…

With a beam of love…I touch the hearts of all the people driving by me who judge me, who hate me, who like me, who are going through something hard, or who don’t know what to do next, or who don’t care…

Let’s stop the bullshit and put on some good music, and for all of you who want to take life and abuse it? Have fun, I will see you when you have had enough.

Anyone reading this I need your help. I am starting a magazine called You Are Not Alone. It is about real people, not the famous people who could care less about you, real people like you and me and paulie d…ahhhh got ya!

If you have ever been through something hard or difficult or that tested who you are or know someone and went through it with them…talk to me.If yall need to talk about the horrors you have seen? Feel free to tell your story through me and YANA Magazine.

My email is seancharlesw@gmail.com

Taking submissions of stories, and you might even get compensated for it!

It happened…again.

How many times have you been down and out?

What did it feel like to slowly lose yourself to a drug, a drink, a relationship, a piece of food, a job, all in the name of righteous rationalizations and “it won’t happen to me’s”?

The end is never a pretty sight to behold as you realize that after all the deceit, manipulation, and lies…there you are. Beautifully miserable you with all the shortcomings, defects, and resentments that will kill you. Every one who has ever tried to love you is on the sidelines, some already left because they saw no hope for the home team to win this insidiously sick insane game that keeps score through guilt remorse and shame.

When did you realize there was a problem, and after that realization what is like to experience complete defeat at the fear of ever overcoming the past that brings you to tears?

I remember and always will remember that moment when the world seemed to turn its back to my cries for help outside a dealers house in Dorchester. The rain poured like pain on my soul holding on the only hope I held close…a wooden cross and a silver Jesus…my life shattered into a bunch of missing puzzle pieces as I sat there soaked seeking anything for relief.

Do I get up and walk into the darkness surrounding me?

Where will I go? Who will take me in? I am no good, nothing, worthless, not even worth loving just look at what I have done…imagine the consequences of lying face down underneath the sun…kinda sounds appealing when all I can hear is my mind tearing out my eyes blind screaming…

Hold tight to the cross, it’s all I have left. Lord I am so lost please just take me right now, no more breath no more pain no more shame only death…I can’t do this…I can’t make it in this world…tears blend with rain drops splatter mixing emotions with oceans of past, present, and future omens…

God what do I do? Look at me! Look where I am! I failed, I cannot succeed…no matter how  hard I try…I always end of crying to the sky as I shake rattle and roll in between being high…

I love you God…I love you God…I love you God is all I can say, my hands are cold lifeless and dirty…they shake…please God help me make it through the night. If I make it and next day awake I will never forget the deal we made and get up, stand up, start walking the talking I used to do during all those nights  prayed…

As I felt new strength flow in, as I felt my Creator showing his power, his love, his strength like a hurricane of spirit blowing I stood up straight tall and strong. Underweight, strung out and full of self hate I put one foot in front of the other…I got help from my family, my friends, my brother….and now I am here to say that it was not a waste that you stayed up all night and prayed…here is your answer…

Why Everyone Loves Christmas!

Well, not everyone loves Christmas. In fact, many people hate Christmas but why would they hate one day out of 364 others? What makes this day so special and so unique that it sparks people to go out and drink hard, drug fast, and basically binge on all the negative behaviors us humans do so beautifully well?

If I knew the answers then it wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference, but at least I could maybe reach one of my faithful followers(hi!) and perhaps give someone a little love that they did not get today, or that they never receive, or who are just plain in pain. This is for you. This whole blog is for you, because in that place before and if I do anything meaningful and worthwhile in this life it is to help someone get out of that place to where I am: at peace and happy.

Okay, back to the lecture at hand:

I hate lectures. Anyways the point I am painfully slowly getting at is that Christmas has turned into one big massive ball of fear, resentment, family, society, mixed with bad memories for some and sad memories for others. I am not mentioning all the people with good Christmas memories who got everything they wanted or nice gifts or who have not lost anyone recently…like Jesus said: you don’t need a doctor!

I am talking about how television, radio, newspapers, and all the communication mediums seem to not care, lie, and cover up the truth because they need to sell toys, TV’s, games, computers, jewelry, cars, phones, all the shit that is shiny and will give people that nice feeling of getting something fun or cool or exciting or sexy or makemelookbetterthanyou items! Sorry I always run off on cynical cycles sometimes – I will try and keep it on track.

I was told by a co-worker the other day that her boyfriend literally gets a panic attack when he hears Christmas music. I told her that his childhood might not have been blessed with a nice santa claus. I know others who go out and get drunk deliberately because it is Christmas, or get high because they can’t be with their kids, or at home, or just feel alone because it “tis the season to be jolly” and they feel the opposite. My good friend Scott may your soul finally be at peace, he might not have decided to go get high one more time because of the holidays, but there is something missing from Christmas that I think needs to come back to help those of us who are hurting, in pain, suffering, and cannot get out of it.

Interesting how Jesus wasn’t even born on this day, and also interesting how misunderstood his teachings are, yet we sing nice songs in his name and celebrate his birth through buying and spending and wishing for a big gift. I was at the midnight mass last night and I chuckled to myself remembering my mother dragging us kids to that same mass years ago, and how I couldn’t wait to get home and sleep so Santa could come and pack the tree with presents, and praying only for what I want and the morning to come quick. I wondered if the kids in front of me were thinking along those lines, as the pastor rambled on about mythology and the bible and how we can’t demythologize what Jesus taught. Huh?

Jesus was the first of his time to truly practice, live, and show others real love and real compassion and real service. How did we screw that up? How many people like religion here? When that topic is brought up it is shot at, stabbed, stoned, and crucified just like Jesus was, by people who misunderstood him. I am no Jesus freak but I like the guy, I think he is a pretty cool guy, and I wish his message was able to reach more people today. Maybe there would be less violence, maybe there would be less killings of innocent people, just maybe the world will be a little bit better. I am trying not to be too optimistic, I hate overly optimistic people! lol

Okay, to wrap up this rhetorical rant I will try to narrow down the message to a few lines. I hope you haven’t stopped reading or got bored, because that means I suck as a writer!

Jesus is the message: all he did was live simple, love in ways that reached the blind, deaf, dumb, sinners, and anyone who needed to feel it. Christmas is supposed to celebrate the advent of Jesus right? So why are so many depressed, sad, lonely, angry, and full of bad memories? It means that as a collective people we have gone too far away from the spirit, the truth, the love that is Christmas.

I didn’t ask for anything I didn’t want anything I didn’t care if all I got were socks and boxers! All I wanted was love, to not be alone, to feel connected, to embrace love ones, and tell them I love them and show them by being there, talking, listening, and being someone they can trust. That is a gift. I know, because there are some Christmas’ I wish I could forget, and I know others who couldn’t be home for Christmas, or who died, or whose families had to return their dead children’s gifts to the store. Hug your loved ones close, and when you see someone alone, quiet, or hurting don’t walk away – love that person.

It is our responsibility. God Bless everyone of you!

No More Tears

I cried today.

Everything hit me all at once and my body could not take it and had to release the stress, the anxiety, the worry, the fear, the anger, the complete confusion…

First off I want to say that for all of you who believe that there is a some date in the future that signifies the end of the world…go find a distant place in the wilderness and save yourself from ever having to try and change the world.

The end of the world is happening, today, and what are we doing about it? Nothing.

There is so much anger inside of me, rage burning like a brush fire in my heart, my jaws clenched, throat closed, eyes watery, and there is not a damn thing I can do but pray.

Tonight at work all I did was pray for the victims of the tragedy that occurred today, the families, the friends, the community, the country…who was affected by this horrible act of violence. I thought of what they must be going through, and the thought made me so angry I fought myself to hold it in all night.

But I cannot hold it in any longer. It must come out because there is no stuffing emotions down inside you, and there is no such thing as holding it in. If I hold it in I will self-destruct, and to do that is to be like that kid, he was just a kid himself, that kid…who was that kid? What made him like that? Who is to blame? Naturally we look at the parents. And there in lies the problem.

We still look for someone to blame instead of facing the truth ourselves and doing something about it ourselves…or have we grown so far a part in this age of cold, lifeless technology information age that we have forgotten how to love, to have compassion, and to forgive. I am not saying forgive what this kid did, but what is the point in going on a witch hunt or putting security guards in all the schools, metal detectors, METAL DETECTORS in  SCHOOLS!

And you think the world is going to end? If I had kids and had to watch them grow up in a world like this that never changed, I would want the end to come quick! The world isn’t going to end, that is a scapegoat used by people who are giving up on life and changing it into something better. Who came up with the bullshit anyways? The mayans? You mean to tell me they picked on their little papyrus calendars with mayan babes on the cover wrote down “End of World” on this day? No way, not now not never, bullshit I say.

I wish I had money, power, and a communication medium to reach out to people across the country and yell at them. WAKE UP!!! Have we been asleep at the controls to let these school shootings, violence, bulllying, metal detectors, security guards turn what used to be a place to grow, learn, and become Americans into gladiator school, survival of the strongest, wealthiest, toughest, most good looking?

Obviously something is not working and there has to be a solution to this problem. We can send a man to the moon, or discover cures for diseases, but can’t raise children in a safe place?

I say change the school system and make it less of a system and more like a home. Maybe this kid didn’t have a home, maybe he did but it was broken, maybe we don’t know what it was like being this kid who decided to kill his family, maybe we just don’t fucking know!

It is hard to imagine moving on from this and going about our lives as if nothing happened. But we will. Let’s face the cold hard truth…this is just another tragic accident that took the lives of 20 young children, 5 to 10 years old not even old enough to experience life on their own, and in a few years it will be business as usual in America.

Or…is this the final straw? Why don’t we truly honor what happened to these children and do something about it. There has got to be something we can do as a country, a community, as neighbors, brothers and sisters. Maybe that is it? Come together, stop living so distant from each other. Am I the only one who feels so far away from people? Go out in public and people just look at each other like: “do you know what is going on right now?” and the response is the same look: “no, do you?”. Just look down at your phone and keep walking.

No more tears. End of the world? Welcome.

To all of the families who waited for their child to come out but who didn’t…I will do the only thing I can do at the moment and pray. Not just pray and ask God to help you. I will hold you in my heart and send you all the love I can muster. God didn’t do this, or let it happen, this is a symptom of a country that is failing. I love you.

The Serpent’s Bite

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via The Serpent’s Bite.

The Serpent’s Bite

You can find liberation from the serpent’s bite

There is beautiful bliss when you are kissed

By that sickly snake with teeth that sink

Down…down…into a place where is no escape.

You can find salvation from the serpent’s bite

When you have had enough of this life

Searching for something more than darkness and light

Surrender to the war inside, give up the fight

For within the serpent’s bite

Is the truth…

From the clouds of heaven to the flames of hell

You cannot escape the God in your self!

Broken Love

   Do you believe in the devil?

   

I used to. Right around the time I was old enough to say to my mother NO! when she asked me to come to church on Sundays, right around that time, is when I began to think on my own. I must have been around 12 or 13 years old at this point, and if I knew what was coming down the road ahead of me? I would have ran to my room and shut the door, jumped under the covers, and prayed for help.

As a child when I shut the lights off upstairs and started down the steps. The hairs on my back stood straight up. I whipped my head around to catch the culprit, and I was so afraid to see something behind me come out of the dark. I would run two, three steps at a time until I was safe in the well lit kitchen.

I never lost that fear, that indescribable feeling that something was after me, lurking in the darkness, waiting for me to let my guard down and then…

Up until this moment I don’t believe I have ever told anyone about this. Perhaps I thought it was insignificant and not worth bringing up. However, today I am in a place in my life where I walk from narrow path to crooked alleyway to tight rope, and if I don’t talk – if I don’t let it out – if I hold it all in…I will fall into a place I never want to see again.

The first time I believed in the devil is when I prayed to him. I was falling from the good kid, the kid next door, the kid who was a good baseball, soccer, basketball player, into that kid whom parents warned their children about. Inside of me was empty save for evil masked by a smile, a laugh, or a face that said I was “okay”. My mind ran rampant like a riot: uncontrollable, chaotic, and violently destructive.

I had seen it in the movies, and heard it in songs, so I decided to try it out for myself. I told the devil he can have my soul, just give me what I want. I wanted to feel good. I wanted to fly high above this dark, depressed world I lived in and feel the sunshine, I wanted to get high, drunk, get money, and be the most popular kid in school. I wanted to look sexy, I wanted to have muscles, I wanted to have an arm full of girls, I wanted people to notice me in envy. I wanted all of this superficial surface material bullshit, praying it would stop my mind from running away, and leave me at peace long enough to feel like everything would be okay.

For those of you who know me I am not this person today. I am full of love, and in tune with a spiritual frequency that guides me.

The comparison of where I am coming from to where I am now can still bring me to tears. The hardest part of living is forgiving oneself for the things done to others that left scars in their lives that heal slow, so slowly. Sure, I can move on and go about my business, but there are random times when I am working, walking, driving, being alone, with others, when all of a sudden, as a sandstorm strikes without warning in the desert, I am besieged by emotion. No thoughts, no precursor, only after I am feeling like I want to clench my fists, close my eyes, and just start swinging, punching, hitting, throwing, destroying, that I realize the truth.

The truth is this and it is so simple I often forget about it, and these feelings that arise inside remind me: there is no such thing as the devil, there is only me and the thoughts I choose to manifest into reality.

The other night it dawned on me as I was bussing tables at the Olive Garden – “When you’re here, you’re family”, I looked around and noticed one or two people looking at me. I naturally wondered what they were thinking. What do I look like? Am I ugly? Am I good looking? Are they checking me out? (lol) But only I know the real story about who I think I am, and part of that story came up until I was replaying images and thoughts in my mind that had me shaking and holding back tears.

“How could I have done that? I could have died! I almost did! What about that guy? What ever happened to him? You are so fucked up Sean! Why Sean! How could you do that to a person?”

Stop. Breathe in deep and breathe out. Breathe in truth, exhale lies, breathe in God, breathe out fear.

All my life I tried to do it on my own, live life the way I wanted to with a mind that grew sick with lies, hatred, anger, and fear. My actions were an outward display of an inward reality. Institutions, psych wards, jail, homeless, on the run…

There is no devil, only broken love, a severed connection to something…something else…something greater…

God.