No More Tears

I cried today.

Everything hit me all at once and my body could not take it and had to release the stress, the anxiety, the worry, the fear, the anger, the complete confusion…

First off I want to say that for all of you who believe that there is a some date in the future that signifies the end of the world…go find a distant place in the wilderness and save yourself from ever having to try and change the world.

The end of the world is happening, today, and what are we doing about it? Nothing.

There is so much anger inside of me, rage burning like a brush fire in my heart, my jaws clenched, throat closed, eyes watery, and there is not a damn thing I can do but pray.

Tonight at work all I did was pray for the victims of the tragedy that occurred today, the families, the friends, the community, the country…who was affected by this horrible act of violence. I thought of what they must be going through, and the thought made me so angry I fought myself to hold it in all night.

But I cannot hold it in any longer. It must come out because there is no stuffing emotions down inside you, and there is no such thing as holding it in. If I hold it in I will self-destruct, and to do that is to be like that kid, he was just a kid himself, that kid…who was that kid? What made him like that? Who is to blame? Naturally we look at the parents. And there in lies the problem.

We still look for someone to blame instead of facing the truth ourselves and doing something about it ourselves…or have we grown so far a part in this age of cold, lifeless technology information age that we have forgotten how to love, to have compassion, and to forgive. I am not saying forgive what this kid did, but what is the point in going on a witch hunt or putting security guards in all the schools, metal detectors, METAL DETECTORS in  SCHOOLS!

And you think the world is going to end? If I had kids and had to watch them grow up in a world like this that never changed, I would want the end to come quick! The world isn’t going to end, that is a scapegoat used by people who are giving up on life and changing it into something better. Who came up with the bullshit anyways? The mayans? You mean to tell me they picked on their little papyrus calendars with mayan babes on the cover wrote down “End of World” on this day? No way, not now not never, bullshit I say.

I wish I had money, power, and a communication medium to reach out to people across the country and yell at them. WAKE UP!!! Have we been asleep at the controls to let these school shootings, violence, bulllying, metal detectors, security guards turn what used to be a place to grow, learn, and become Americans into gladiator school, survival of the strongest, wealthiest, toughest, most good looking?

Obviously something is not working and there has to be a solution to this problem. We can send a man to the moon, or discover cures for diseases, but can’t raise children in a safe place?

I say change the school system and make it less of a system and more like a home. Maybe this kid didn’t have a home, maybe he did but it was broken, maybe we don’t know what it was like being this kid who decided to kill his family, maybe we just don’t fucking know!

It is hard to imagine moving on from this and going about our lives as if nothing happened. But we will. Let’s face the cold hard truth…this is just another tragic accident that took the lives of 20 young children, 5 to 10 years old not even old enough to experience life on their own, and in a few years it will be business as usual in America.

Or…is this the final straw? Why don’t we truly honor what happened to these children and do something about it. There has got to be something we can do as a country, a community, as neighbors, brothers and sisters. Maybe that is it? Come together, stop living so distant from each other. Am I the only one who feels so far away from people? Go out in public and people just look at each other like: “do you know what is going on right now?” and the response is the same look: “no, do you?”. Just look down at your phone and keep walking.

No more tears. End of the world? Welcome.

To all of the families who waited for their child to come out but who didn’t…I will do the only thing I can do at the moment and pray. Not just pray and ask God to help you. I will hold you in my heart and send you all the love I can muster. God didn’t do this, or let it happen, this is a symptom of a country that is failing. I love you.