It happened…again.

How many times have you been down and out?

What did it feel like to slowly lose yourself to a drug, a drink, a relationship, a piece of food, a job, all in the name of righteous rationalizations and “it won’t happen to me’s”?

The end is never a pretty sight to behold as you realize that after all the deceit, manipulation, and lies…there you are. Beautifully miserable you with all the shortcomings, defects, and resentments that will kill you. Every one who has ever tried to love you is on the sidelines, some already left because they saw no hope for the home team to win this insidiously sick insane game that keeps score through guilt remorse and shame.

When did you realize there was a problem, and after that realization what is like to experience complete defeat at the fear of ever overcoming the past that brings you to tears?

I remember and always will remember that moment when the world seemed to turn its back to my cries for help outside a dealers house in Dorchester. The rain poured like pain on my soul holding on the only hope I held close…a wooden cross and a silver Jesus…my life shattered into a bunch of missing puzzle pieces as I sat there soaked seeking anything for relief.

Do I get up and walk into the darkness surrounding me?

Where will I go? Who will take me in? I am no good, nothing, worthless, not even worth loving just look at what I have done…imagine the consequences of lying face down underneath the sun…kinda sounds appealing when all I can hear is my mind tearing out my eyes blind screaming…

Hold tight to the cross, it’s all I have left. Lord I am so lost please just take me right now, no more breath no more pain no more shame only death…I can’t do this…I can’t make it in this world…tears blend with rain drops splatter mixing emotions with oceans of past, present, and future omens…

God what do I do? Look at me! Look where I am! I failed, I cannot succeed…no matter how  hard I try…I always end of crying to the sky as I shake rattle and roll in between being high…

I love you God…I love you God…I love you God is all I can say, my hands are cold lifeless and dirty…they shake…please God help me make it through the night. If I make it and next day awake I will never forget the deal we made and get up, stand up, start walking the talking I used to do during all those nights  prayed…

As I felt new strength flow in, as I felt my Creator showing his power, his love, his strength like a hurricane of spirit blowing I stood up straight tall and strong. Underweight, strung out and full of self hate I put one foot in front of the other…I got help from my family, my friends, my brother….and now I am here to say that it was not a waste that you stayed up all night and prayed…here is your answer…

Why Everyone Loves Christmas!

Well, not everyone loves Christmas. In fact, many people hate Christmas but why would they hate one day out of 364 others? What makes this day so special and so unique that it sparks people to go out and drink hard, drug fast, and basically binge on all the negative behaviors us humans do so beautifully well?

If I knew the answers then it wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference, but at least I could maybe reach one of my faithful followers(hi!) and perhaps give someone a little love that they did not get today, or that they never receive, or who are just plain in pain. This is for you. This whole blog is for you, because in that place before and if I do anything meaningful and worthwhile in this life it is to help someone get out of that place to where I am: at peace and happy.

Okay, back to the lecture at hand:

I hate lectures. Anyways the point I am painfully slowly getting at is that Christmas has turned into one big massive ball of fear, resentment, family, society, mixed with bad memories for some and sad memories for others. I am not mentioning all the people with good Christmas memories who got everything they wanted or nice gifts or who have not lost anyone recently…like Jesus said: you don’t need a doctor!

I am talking about how television, radio, newspapers, and all the communication mediums seem to not care, lie, and cover up the truth because they need to sell toys, TV’s, games, computers, jewelry, cars, phones, all the shit that is shiny and will give people that nice feeling of getting something fun or cool or exciting or sexy or makemelookbetterthanyou items! Sorry I always run off on cynical cycles sometimes – I will try and keep it on track.

I was told by a co-worker the other day that her boyfriend literally gets a panic attack when he hears Christmas music. I told her that his childhood might not have been blessed with a nice santa claus. I know others who go out and get drunk deliberately because it is Christmas, or get high because they can’t be with their kids, or at home, or just feel alone because it “tis the season to be jolly” and they feel the opposite. My good friend Scott may your soul finally be at peace, he might not have decided to go get high one more time because of the holidays, but there is something missing from Christmas that I think needs to come back to help those of us who are hurting, in pain, suffering, and cannot get out of it.

Interesting how Jesus wasn’t even born on this day, and also interesting how misunderstood his teachings are, yet we sing nice songs in his name and celebrate his birth through buying and spending and wishing for a big gift. I was at the midnight mass last night and I chuckled to myself remembering my mother dragging us kids to that same mass years ago, and how I couldn’t wait to get home and sleep so Santa could come and pack the tree with presents, and praying only for what I want and the morning to come quick. I wondered if the kids in front of me were thinking along those lines, as the pastor rambled on about mythology and the bible and how we can’t demythologize what Jesus taught. Huh?

Jesus was the first of his time to truly practice, live, and show others real love and real compassion and real service. How did we screw that up? How many people like religion here? When that topic is brought up it is shot at, stabbed, stoned, and crucified just like Jesus was, by people who misunderstood him. I am no Jesus freak but I like the guy, I think he is a pretty cool guy, and I wish his message was able to reach more people today. Maybe there would be less violence, maybe there would be less killings of innocent people, just maybe the world will be a little bit better. I am trying not to be too optimistic, I hate overly optimistic people! lol

Okay, to wrap up this rhetorical rant I will try to narrow down the message to a few lines. I hope you haven’t stopped reading or got bored, because that means I suck as a writer!

Jesus is the message: all he did was live simple, love in ways that reached the blind, deaf, dumb, sinners, and anyone who needed to feel it. Christmas is supposed to celebrate the advent of Jesus right? So why are so many depressed, sad, lonely, angry, and full of bad memories? It means that as a collective people we have gone too far away from the spirit, the truth, the love that is Christmas.

I didn’t ask for anything I didn’t want anything I didn’t care if all I got were socks and boxers! All I wanted was love, to not be alone, to feel connected, to embrace love ones, and tell them I love them and show them by being there, talking, listening, and being someone they can trust. That is a gift. I know, because there are some Christmas’ I wish I could forget, and I know others who couldn’t be home for Christmas, or who died, or whose families had to return their dead children’s gifts to the store. Hug your loved ones close, and when you see someone alone, quiet, or hurting don’t walk away – love that person.

It is our responsibility. God Bless everyone of you!

Off the Road

Driving fast foot heavy on the gas speeding past these forgotten, cumbled, and broken steeples of people lying on the side of the road…crashed.

I swerve around wrecks and accidents without even a care to what the suffering these people carry in their passenger seats…out of gas engine broken down in defeat…I speed on by missing my many chances to meet—-new faces new places and new stories that make life complete.

Flashing lights blue red and white flood my sight until I can’t see past the never ending fight for one more breath, one more beat, one more chance to make it right in the face of death we all smile bright as if we knew all along that we were next.

As we move down the road over uncertain hills, I count how many friends and people I loved who were killed, too many to count one is enough if one life can amount to so much pain…when death tickles my brain and laughs that shrill cackle that makes my mind insane clinked up in shackles…

All around me are worn out faces and unfamiliar places, the former I miss sincerely the latter I can’t escape. What is left but to carry on the memory of what remains like marks on our heart that never go away, heartstains…

I love you Scott. I knew you for three weeks yet with this disease and all of its pain, suffering, peace, and bittersweet release…we find love, fellowship, a brotherhood whose link is stronger than any drug or drink.